Saturday, October 12, 2013
I'm Going Out On a Limb: I've Had Something On My Mnd
This isn't meant as a shot at anyone in particular but something I have learned and am still learning on my journey with depression.
People do not want to get dirty, even if they say they do. They don't want to hear you are having a bad day because then the next step is to find out why and dig deeper. The only reason a person will share that they are having a bad day is because that is what they want. They want you to ask the right questions and prove that you really do care about them. That may be the wrong reason to be honest but it is what it is. THAT is why so many people say they are " FINE " when they really aren't. They don't want to be disappointed once again. It's easy to lose hope in society when you are depressed. It isn't something that we go out of the way to do, it just happens, it just IS. We can't explain it, nor most times, do we even want it to be this way. Once again, it just IS. Silence works with some of us, but not all the time. I can't always tell you what I need because I don't even know that myself. Depression is different from person to person and so how you treat them will be different. I can understand why people don't want to get dirty. I didn't either before I found out about the dark depth of pain and loneliness that comes with depression and dealing with so called secrets that may even be the cause of the depression. Sometimes you have to go through stuff to realize the truth about it and that sometimes others will truly not understand and that is why they do step back. Forgiveness is hard the best of times, but on the darkest days of depression or the days that you are truly annoyed with people who don't understand and who choose to not get dirty when they said they would, those are the days that forgiveness is most important otherwise you will find yourself going mad out of your head. That is why this post is so important.
I forgive you for not getting dirty with my life.
I forgive you for not sending little notes and messages once is a while.
I forgive you that you might not want to know what is really going on because it might hurt you.
I forgive you for being afraid of the unknown.
I've been there before and I understand.
Forgive me for not being real and truthful with you.
Forgive me for my facade ( for that is my safety net )
Forgive me for being silent ( trust comes at a cost that I'm not willing and able to pay right now).
Most of all, forgive me for not asking you enough about your life. It isn't that I don't care but the truth is, I'm a burden carrier and I have had to picky and choosy about who I get involved with. I care about you, I truly do, I just can't carry your burdens all the time though. I'm not meant to and I'm sorry if I expect you to do that for me. :(
You might not like what I'm sharing but it is the truth from where I stand. I don't expect much but if there is one thing that I have learned the most through depression and that is the fact that humans are human and they tend to let us down. All of us. We can't be everything to everyone and we can't expect others to be what they are not.
Most importantly, I'm learning that God will never let me down. Some days it seems like He does. Some days I get mad at him and even in that anger I sin toward Him. You may not agree with that but it is what I'm going through at the time. If I can't even voice that, wow.....where's the grace??? That is when I am most disappointed but then I know how bad I am at extending grace, even though I try so hard. It's just a mistake, I know, but we are sometimes so quick to say things based on what we are feeling instead of listening to the other person and wondering what they are feeling. It's all a process. I know.
As I was saying, God is the only one who will not let us down. We need to go to Him. We need to lay our lives on the line and trust only Him. I pray one day I will get to that point. I try daily and fail miserably but I also know, God knows how hard I try and he catches me every time I fall. I'm so GREATful for that.
Thanks for reading my post today and thanks for listening to my heart in this matter. These are my truths as I see life right now.
God Bless Us, EVERYONE!!!
Posted by Alexis Plett at 11:01 AM