Thursday, March 23, 2017

Life As I Now Know It Part 2

My first week without facebook was the weirdest. I thought for sure I would go through withdrawals and a few friends figured I would as well. It was so nice! Luckily I was also distracted by playing the Minimalism game. I found out I can use Messenger so I can stay in touch with some of my friends. As time went on I himed and hawed about whether I was going to go back to it but then decided that I would make that choice when the time came. For now I would enjoy this time and figure out what in the world life outside facebook was all about and who I was. I spent a lot of time on it. Way too much! Addiction would be a good word and honestly, quite truthful. I became obsessed with what other people thought and then I would become angry about it. It isn’t facebook that caused that, but me. I know that and I accept full responsibility for it. Some people can be on facebook and have no issues but I believe most people have issue with it, whatever it may be. Some of the emotions I had experienced were: anger, envy, arrogance, sadness, dread, hopelessness and I’m sure quite a few more. These emotions would trigger my depression and anxiety.

I found a lot of good on it too. I made some super great friends and it was so nice to be connected to family I haven’t seen for years. Just as I was leaving Steve McVey was making a private group that I would kill to be part of ( ok, not quite lol) and I was tempted to stay just for that but I knew the time had come for me to leave and I knew it was God telling me. Steve even suggested that I could stay away from the places that were toxic to me. I was flattered that he thought I could be part of his group and I will admit, I was tempted again. I didn’t though. I knew what I had to do.

I don’t know what my future on facebook will be but for now, after 6 weeks, I am content without it. I am writing, I am minimizing my life and I am learning who I am in Christ and how to live it. I am reading some great books and I am listening to some great messages. I am trying to get to know me and who I am. Facebook was my social life, now I have none but I am getting smarter for it and I have a feeling this Spring and Summer will bring some new beginnings in this area.

God is good. I Loves you!

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

What About Me?

I wrote this in November of 2016, a couple weeks or so after we had met Wm. PaulYoung (author of The Shack). The anger I talk about here, toward not only Wally, but God as well, happened quite a bit in our marriage and esp the last couple years or so of Wally’s drinking while I was in counseling for depression.

God spoke to me through the testimony of Wm. Paul Young and the music of AlanaLevandoski. I have been in an interesting place since Wally quit drinking about a year and half ago. I have been quietly and innerly trying to find healing. I have gone through that process as I have been getting to know my Beautiful and Loving God. There has been much about Him that I have not accepted because I have had a hard time with my journey. One thing that really stands out to me is even when Wally was drinking he always always knew and leaned and prayed to Jesus. He always knew Jesus was love (not saying he knew that God was love, but that is part of the journey we are on together). Anyway, I used to get so mad! I would get mad at God and I would yell at Jesus. I was in my own living hell and here is Wally, drunk as a skunk, loving Jesus and knowing how much he needed Him. I was so jealous. Not jealous of the drinking but of the relationship that Wally had with Jesus. This guy, this f%$#*&g guy, was causing so much grief to me and to my kids. I was so so jealous and I wanted that so bad. I thought my relationship with Jesus was good. I thought He loved me. I thought I loved Him. When the depression hit, all the ideas I ever knew about God and Jesus became null and void. I was useless, broken, unloved and unloveable. That’s all I heard. Any voice of God I heard before....STOPPED. I was done! I was mad, I was angry, I was hopeless and totally helpless. I couldn’t even handle my own life. I quit my relationships with friends and drew away from family. Everything I had ever held truth and close to me became null and void because in my mind and in my heart, they were all lies.

You know, I don’t know why I felt this way. I don’t know what triggered it but all of a sudden all the insecurities I had ever had and ever felt came rushing in all at once and I was overwhelmed and messed up. I had never felt loved in a way that I needed. I don’t even know how that is or why. I was mad at everyone.

I’m glad God meets us where we are at. I Loves you.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Someday (SIMPLES: Episode 01) Profound Video Friends!

Monday Morning Thoughts

I find it hard to think rationally through the filter of depression. I know what is right; I know what is Truth; I know what must be done. You know what, though? It doesn’t matter what I know. It just doesn’t work that way. I think knowing makes it harder because then I feel guilty. I’m so annoyed.

I am in the process of renewing my mind. It’s not easy, to say the least. The core to that is knowing who you are in Christ AND believing it. I am still in the “believing” stages and that is what makes fighting depressing so hard.

So, I have my sheets of paper around me to read to try and convince myself that the Truth is actually the Truth. If I ever have grandchildren, they will know from DAY 1 how loved they are by the True and Loving God so they don’t have to figure this out as an adult. So many of us just can’t grasp how true and how loved we are. Oh, Freedom....

Keep Trudging with me, Friends! I Loves you!

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Life As I Now Know It Part 1

I was going to call this “Life After Facebook” but I don’t think it is so much about facebook anymore but about me.

(Rabbit trail) That last comment reminds more so much of a scene in the movie Julie & Julia when Julie is ranting to her husband “you’re the one that told me to blog. That’s what a blog is, it’s all about, me, me!” He retorts back, “I know. I’m sorry. What was I thinking???” (I love this movie)

I’m back. Lol I kind of had a freak out attack and quit facebook suddenly. Things had been leading up to this point for quite sometime already. I finally had it.

You know, when a person allows facebook ( or anything for that matter ) to dictate how they feel it is time to move on. I had given it so much power. Any writing I was doing it was usually out of anger because I didn’t agree with what someone said or I was so mad or annoyed because they even posted it. I think what finally did it for me and drove me literally MAD was the American election. I had friends on the left and friends on the right and they were so mean. Not all of them, mind you, but most of them. I don’t even think some of them realized they were being mean. I believe they were defending themselves but you know as Christian, we have to draw a line in the sand. How closely do we get involved in something that will ultimately make us be nasty and mean to others just because they are to us? I struggled with that during the election. In the end, I ended up rage quitting.

It wasn’t pretty. I’ll share more next week.

Smile like you mean it! I loves you!

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

It's Not Peaceful

( Written May 6, 2015 )
The sound of snoring ( dog or man ), the sound of late night banging and noises coming from my son’s room, and the thoughts of watching someone suffer from cancer and be in pain and journey toward death. The thought of loved ones sad, it’s not peaceful.
The words of my thoughts wondering why I hate myself, and the things I think about when I look at myself in the mirror, it’s not peaceful.
The things I worry about, the things I think about; my past, present and future, it’s not peaceful.
Peaceful is being in Your will.
It’s peaceful.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Update On Minimalism Game and Journey 6-10

I'll admit and say I am still finding the Minimalism Game easy.  I know that will change.  :)  I love that my kitchen has fewer things and I still have 3 more cupboards to go through.  I will be doing that this week. 

The 21 Day Journey continues to challenge me but interestingly enough it is in line with the Spiritual journey I am going through as well.  They are neatly intertwined.  Day 10 talked about how we have everything we need.  Just look around us.  I believe that and I believe as well, that we have everything we need from God as well.  We just need to look around and look within ourselves where He lives. Crazy intertwined!  I really enjoyed Day 6 as well.  "Why am I afraid to get rid of this?" Fear is something I have feared most of my life.  It is something I deal with on a daily basis and like I said for Day 10, it is intertwined with Spirituality as well.  This is a great journey and I know I haven't spent as much time daily, as I should on them but I am still getting something out of it and I feel pretty blessed!

Day 6:  Fear
Day 7:  Relationships
Day 8:  Beliefs
Day 9:  Growth
Day 10:  Everything

 Minimalism is a great thing!  I Loves you!