Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Addictions: True Story

Allow me to introduce myself... ... I am the disease of addiction.

I hate meetings.
I hate your higher power.
I hate anyone who has a program.
To all who come in contact with me,
I wish you suffering and death.
Alcoholism, drugs and eating disorders.
I am cunning, baffling and powerful. That is me.
I've killed millions and enjoyed doing it.
I love to catch you by surprise.
I love pretending I'm your friend and lover.
I've given you comfort.
Wasn't I there when you were lonely?
When you wanted to die, didn't you call on me?
I love to make you hurt.
I love to make you cry. Better yet...
I love it when I make you so numb,
You can't hurt and you can't cry.
You feel nothing at all.
I give you instant gratification.
All I ask for in return is long term suffering.
I've always been there for you.
When things were going right, you invited me back.
You said you didn't deserve to be happy.
I agreed with you.
Together we were able to destroy your life.
People don't take me seriously.
They take strokes seriously.
They take heart attacks seriously.
Even diabetes, they take seriously.
Yet, without my help, these things wouldn't be possible.
I'm such a hated disease, yet I don't come uninvited.
You choose to have me.
Many have chosen me, instead of love and peace.
I hate all of you who work a 12step program.
Your program, your meetings, and your higher power weaken me.
I can't function in the manner I am accustomed to.
I am your disease.
For now I must lie here quietly.
You don't see me, but I'm growing more powerful everyday.
When you settle for mere existence, I thrive.
When you feel fully alive, I weaken.
But I'm always here waiting for you.
Until we meet again,
I wish you continued suffering and death.

Author Unknown

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Learning to be thankful in the little moments

I'm not necessarily a big picture thinker, but I do tend to have high expectations.  It's hard for me to enjoy a moment because I'm usually to busy wondering when the foot is going to fall and take that moment away.  This way of thinking robs me of not only seeing the blessings of God in my life, but experiencing them. 

Depression is a horrible thing and I have chosen not to be on medication for it anymore.  There was a time I was but due to circumstances and also the way they affected me, I chose not to deal with my depression in that way.  Not to say that temptations don't me they do, especially when I go deep deep into the pit.  I would love to mask my issues and just not think but for me, that isn't a reality.  I know much of my depression is caused by my lack of acceptance of certain things in my relationship with Christ .  I'm not saying it's all spiritual, but I believe a lot of it is.  I know it also comes with how I have dealt with my past and past issues...and in knowing that, by relearning life and how to deal with life ( and accepting certain things), I believe I can be healed of my depression...alongside my relationship and trust of Jesus Christ and the Truth. 

I had a reprieve from my depression yesterday.  God gave me an amazing gift of an almost clear day.  He gave the gift of experiencing and feeling His presence.  He gave me the gift of laughter with a friend.  It's been a long time.  I'm a "feeling" kind of person and that has been a downfall of mine, but it was so nice to feel His love, blessings, presence and amazing gifts yesterday.  I went to bed thanking Him, knowing that He is always in that place but for some reason, yesterday, I was able to know it and feel it.  It will help in the coming days as a reminder that He never leaves me and even if I don't feel His presence:

He is still there...He never changes...He never moves.... He is my constant...He is my God.  He is good...He is faithful...He is God. 

I will learn to find His presence ( presents ) in all things, because I know they are there.  ♥♥♥♥

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Identity in Christ...Day 2

This is the second message I shared with my Sunday School class in regard to this topic.  As I said before, it's not an easy topic for me to teach or share but I feel that they need to to know this stuff now and not look for it when they are 46 years old and try to deal with it then ( UGH ).  I really like the version I used here for Psalm 139: 14.  It is called The Voice and I am not familiar enough to suggest that you use this version of the Bible but I have to say, I love how it ends with " I carry this knowledge deep within my soul."  In fact, I think it's the most important part in a way because if we don't remember this, if we don't carry it deep within our soul, we will not remember it.  We have to remember this Truth and protect this Truth because this is what will determine how we look not only at life, but at ourselves and how we make choices and decisions.  Grasp the Truth now, live it and teach it.  ♥

Monday, September 15, 2014

Teaching the TRUTH Even When It's Hard

As a parent and a Sunday School teacher I take very seriously what I teach my children.  I know that they will and they do learn other things that may be total opposite of what I teach, but I stand beside what I teach because it's the TRUTH.

Just this Sunday I added a little something else to our Sunday School.  One of my biggest issues  is the very core ( I believe ) to both my depression and codependecy and that is my lack of self worth.  I've always gotten it from people and frankly no one is ever good enough in our eyes, even if we don't say it out loud.  We all have flaws, that's a gimme.  Problem is, if we get our self worth from people who see us with flaws then that is how we will see ourselves and how we will define ourselves.  I'm not good enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm a loser....we can go on and on.

I know this is my issue and have actively been working on it for a couple years now.  I laugh at that because if you know anything about the grace of God, working on it is the LAST thing I have to do.  ANYWAY, that always makes me snicker when I have read what I wrote and I know it to be wrong.

So what I have decided is at the beginning of Sunday school class I will have a scripture verse and quote for them.  I told the kids this Sunday that they don't want to grow up to discover that what they thought of as truth truly isn't truth.  NOW is the time to learn it, to know it and to embrace it.  And maybe, just maybe through my teaching, I will accept this for myself as well. 

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Repremanded by God

I heard some news on Sunday and I've been steamed ever since.  I have had thoughts about " it was unfair," " what about me," " you said," etc. etc.  Yeah, pretty selfish thoughts and today well, today I just had a bad attitude.  I knew it and I was still feeling entitled.  I couldn't even write in my Gratitude journal.  My attitude was that bad. 

So I'm doing some school stuff, being all steamed and mad and stuff and all of a sudden " turn off your computer and get on your knees. Pray for ............"  WHAT?  You want me to pray for something that I feel entitled to!  No way. " Pray."  But I want to be part of it!  "Pray! Just because you want to be part of it doesn't mean you don't pray about it."  UGH  " Pray! " I got on my knees ( the first time I have prayed on my knees in how long ) and I prayed.  I made a commitment to pray about it every week.

I was so ashamed for my attitude but God....but God extended to me, not only grace but mercy.  He forgave me for my horrible attitude.  He knows the desires of my heart and knows why I was so upset.  I guess this is another one of those " God's timing " things.  He knows what is best for me and in His timing, as circumstances allow, it will happen as He desires, not as Alexis desires.  I know it isn't the last time that I will feel bad about this ( and hurt ) but I pray that my attitude won't get so bad again that I can't even think of anything to be thankful for.

Thank you God for having mercy on me!!

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Mandisa: Press On ( Video and Song Lyrics )

Sometimes a song says what you can't put into words.  I love Mandisa and I love this song.  I hope you are blessed by it.  Have an awesome and blessed weekend!  

When I’m alone, when I’m afraid
When I have had all I can take
Losing my grip, I start to slip away
When I can hear the voice of doubt
Inside my head, screaming loud
Strengthen my faith, and help me say
Today, today

I will follow, I will press on
Even when the walk feels long
Your hands hold me together
Your love is with me forever
Through the broken, through the victory
I will praise You through it all
And run hard ‘til the race is done
I, I’m gonna press on, press on
I’m gonna press on, press on

How many storms have I been through
How many led me right to You
You’re using the pain, the hardest days
For my good, my good
So what do I fear
God, You are with me
Guiding my steps today
Through the mountains, valleys, sun and rain
Lord, lead the way, lead the way

I will follow, I will press on
Even when the walk feels long
Your hands hold me together
Your love is with me forever
Through the broken, through the victory
I will praise You through it all
And run hard ‘til the race is done
I, I’m gonna press on, press on

One step in front of the other
No looking back, no looking back
One step in front of the other
I’m gonna press on, I’m gonna press on [x2]

I will follow, I will press on
Even when the walk feels long
Your hands hold me together
Your love is with me forever
Through the broken, through the victory
I will praise You through it all
And run hard ‘til the race is done
I, I’m gonna press on, press on
I’m gonna press on, press on

One step in front of the other
No looking back, no looking back
One step in front of the other
I’m gonna press on, I’m gonna press on

Thursday, September 4, 2014

I've said it before and I'm saying it again....

Sometimes life is tiring and it's easy to feel just plain worn out.  Sometimes circumstances are just too hard to understand and the the thought of even praying is tiring.  Even when we JUST call out the name of Jesus, He hears our hearts and cares about our lives and what is going on.  As I go through my days, I ask God often, where are You?  Why aren't you working quicker or even at all?  Why do you seem so far away from me?  The tiredness of circumstances, depression and some minor health issues are enough to send me over the deep end.

AND THEN.... I go into a store and see what I have been looking for, praying for.  I don't like change much in any area of my life including changes like glucose machines for my diabetes.  I see it and I know at that moment that GOD has not forgotten about me.  He may be making me bide my time in the big things...but He is in the small things and once again, I am so grateful that I can't help to praise Him on my way to the van. 

“The Lord lives! Praise to my Rock! May God, the Rock of my salvation, be exalted!